It's Not You, It's Me.

I've found myself thinking a lot lately about What I can change vs. What I can't change in my life. You can't change your family. They will haunt you no matter how far-removed you are. Biologically, you're linked to them by blood despite how many times you change your phone number. You can't change your past. What's done is done. If you're alive, good for you. That means you've survived, so far. Most importantly, you can't change other people. This is something I think most of us struggle with all of our lives. Whether we're trying to change our partners, our friends or our family, we are always unhappy with something about someone. On a personal note, I'm currently faced with a situation in which I wish more than anything, that the person I'm at odds with will change. I struggle on a daily basis to think of ways to help them understand that it's not me, it's them. After months of deliberating and plotting, I've finally come to understand that it is, in fact, me. Let's talk cheesy for a second, okay? You know that ridiculous saying "Be the change you want to see in the world?" Well, I think, like most cliches, there's something to it. I can't make anyone do anything, and I certainly don't possess the ability to make someone change who they are for my benefit. (If you have this ability, please call me. Boy, do I have a project for you!) I am only in control of myself.

I'm going to give an example of my current adversity, while trying to maintain anonymity throughout (Good luck to me, right?) I received an e-mail last week with some not-so-kind words. This e-mail was between myself and two other people. Being the semi-cut throat person that I am, my initial reaction was to respond in the same tone in which the first e-mail was sent. After typing up my response, and reading it through, I started to get butterflies in my stomach out of nerves as to what the response back would be (My bark is usually worse than my bite). I took a step back, and took a minute to think out the few scenarios that could play out by me sending my nasty response. The best case scenario is that the person who sent the initial e-mail would feel like an idiot, and fear me. We all love a good power trip. The worst, I would be stuck in a back and forth, World War III-esq e-mail battle for the next few hours. I thought to myself, if the best and worst case scenarios are equally as crappy, who's winning? And, even further, why does someone always feel the need to win? In life, we're driven to end up on the top of any argument we face. I ask you though, at who's expense? We may not care what out "opponent" feels like at the end of the day, but if it affects how we feel, something in us needs to change. For the first time in a long time, I kept my mouth shut. I let the situation play out on its own and didn't provoke/support/oppose any side. Guess what? I went home battle scar-free.

I've had the honor of working with some really amazing people in my career so far, and I can tell you, the most successful ones know what not to say and when not to say it. I admit, I have not yet fully mastered this skill. It is in my nature to be on the defense. As I get older and grow more successful in my business, I'm starting to understand that not everything needs to turn into an issue. Someone does something you don't like? You find someone or something offensive? Let it go. As my mother always says (seriously, if I didn't know better, I would say she invented this oh-so-common saying) "what goes around comes around." Translation, they'll get theirs. Wouldn't you prefer to "win" at the hands of the universe spitting on your opponent, as opposed to you fighting an uphill battle that's most likely just prolonging the inevitable?

The moral: Ah yes, my wise words of wisdom are coming to an end for the day. I've got people to see, food to eat, and TV to watch. Right, the moral...Pick your battles. I don't want anyone to think I'm saying to let everything go, because I myself am incapable of doing that. If someone gets in your way, and your new-found attitude of passivity isn't working, by all means - knock them down. However, if you take a minute during an argument to say to yourself "Jess, don't send that e-mail," you might find that you saved yourself from some heartache. Everyone just wants to be happy (well, I know I do). If you can change something in yourself to further increase the amount of times a day you're able to truly smile, why wouldn't you?